Nobody Here

Well. I never realized, slave to authority that I am, how bigbig a deal this whole SASE thing is. But as of this posting, Miss Snark has no less than 69 comments over two posts about the SASE rule, many of them telling her how wrong oh so wrong she is to insist they be included in submissions. So I started thinking, why, if Miss Snark could be wrong about this, what else could she be wrong about? And then I started thinking about that one episode of Seinfeld, where George becomes successful by doing the opposite of what his instinct tells him to do. And then I started thinking, hey, we should try that, except with Miss Snark.

So here are the new rules for successfully landing an agent. You don't have to thank me.

1. GETTING YOUR MANUSCRIPT READY: Agents receive hundreds or even thousands of pages of plain white paper every week. Print your manuscript on something that will stand out in a crowd. Keep in mind that most agents are women, so unicorns and cute kitties are always welcome! Oh, and you don't have to concern yourself with insider, industry terms like "serif" and "sans serif" at this point. Pick whichever font you think is prettiest.

2. WRITING YOUR QUERY LETTER: First, begin the letter with "Dear Agent." They don't need to be reminded of their name, but they do need to be reminded that they are the agent and you are the writer, and therefore they work for you. Always include publishing credits in your letter, even if they are minor, or fake. Bear in mind that your mother's refrigerator and your blog are legitimate venues for publication. Give the agent a sense of your style and a favorable impression of your skill by comparing yourself to Faulkner or Dickens or both.

3. WRITING YOUR SYNOPSIS: Your goal is to generate excitement about your book, so you don't want to tip your hand by revealing too much at this stage of the game. Don't give away the ending in your synopsis! If you close it with a cliffhanger, the agent is more likely to ask to see the book.

4. PUTTING TOGETHER THE PACKAGE: If you don't treat your work like it's special, why should an agent? Putting loose pages in a plain envelope and sending it via the USPS says you don't think your manuscript deserves special care or attention. You should first have it bound book-style, so the agent can visualize the finished product. Then pack it in an attractive box. Extras like tissue paper and confetti add the final bit of pizzazz. Send the manuscript using an overnight carrier, signature required, like the treasure it is. No need to include an SASE! Sure, it's only 40 cents and two extra minutes of work for you, but an SASE invites an impersonal response. If you don't make it easy to write, they'll call!

5. GOING THE EXTRA MILE: Send fudge! Fudge is always welcome and appreciated!

6. CONTACTING THE AGENT: Calling the agent's office before you query to let them know it's coming, after you query to let them know it's on its way, and once a week until you get an answer marks you as a real go-getter.

7. NETWORKING: Contacts in the industry are always valuable. Even if an agent rejects you, your interaction with them constitutes a relationship to be nurtured. Give them a call when you receive the rejection letter to discuss your work and why you were rejected. This shows that you're serious about improving. Then be sure to touch base occasionally to let them know how things are going for you. When you land another agent, be sure to share the good news!