Nobody Here

I'm not taking Hip's link down.

When done correctly, a nanoscript should be a bunch of sucky words (50k or thereabouts) layered over a good or at least decent concept. Mine is a bunch of sucky words (50,080 or thereabouts) layered over a really weird and, worse, really logistically flawed concept. This is not good. I considered scrapping the whole thing. But there was still something about it I liked. Something I couldn’t put my finger on, but I bet it was the parts I ripped off from other writers, because you really only rip off writers you like. I wanted to give it a chance, but I was at my wit’s end trying to come up with a way to get it to make even a supernatural sort of sense.

Then I remembered how, back when I was living in a cold dark cave of an apartment, taking Roy’s advice about the cost effective nutrition behind macaroni and cheese mixed with hamburger, I had a hard time writing there. Maybe it was the cold dark cave thing, or maybe it was the noise, or the smells, or the bugs from that one lady next door who always, always had roaches (and snot on her face). I’d pack up my notebook and pen or my company issued laptop and I’d head out to Borders and the change of scenery did the trick.

So last night I considered packing up my laptop, only I need my glasses to use it and they’re broken and held together with a small binder clip, and I just knew the people would laugh at me more than they already do in my acid green velour Chuck Taylors and my Ravenclaw scarf, so instead I packed up my notebook and pen, and I headed out to Borders. And the change of scenery did the trick.

You really do need to just get up and out once in a while, don’t you? Peter Straub writes a lot of novels about novelists writing novels, and the novelists writing novels in his novels are always taking walks. I used to do that when it was just me and the beagle, but now that there’s a toddler in the mix it’s not so conducive to deep creative thought (on my part; I think Pippin still comes up with some really good ideas). The same goes for the shower, what with the Little Einsteins playing in the background and that same toddler la-la-la’ing to Ode to Joy at the top of her tiny lungs (with great talent, natch). But you’ve got to go somewhere. The same room at the same time (with the same snacks) just breeds sameness of thought. Don’t you think?

Where do you go to boost your creativity?

Oh, yeah, and the concept is still really weird, but at least I can run with it now. I have some notes to make and then I start draft 2 next week. 35,000 words in February is my goal. Anyone with me?

*Post title ripped off from the Gorillaz' Clint Eastwood

Shortly after I put up the nobody's tool post I realized I had missed the point completely. This happens to me a lot, and is in fact almost the entire practical value of blogging for me. I've mentioned that you can't spend a whole book establishing how powerful a villain is and then just have a regular guy smack him down. What I've been missing is that this isn't just true for the ordinary hero, it's true for anybody. If Gandalf could win all by himself in a one-on-one thumb wrestling match, he wouldn't need the elaborate plan that includes using little everyman as an instrument, would he?

But no matter, because everyone knows that the most time-honored and efficient way to defeat an almost-all-powerful baddie is with that cheap shot I talked about in the invincible post. You've got to exploit a weakness that in his arrogance he either doesn't know he has or doesn't realize you know about until it's too late. A lot of stories use someone wiser than the hero to find the weakness (Harry Potter's Dumbledore springs to mind first at 7:30 in the morning), or someone stronger to actually physically use it (The Hobbit's Bard), but my kids don't have that and they don't need it. Their physical shortcomings are insurmountable, but they're a clever enough bunch. They can figure it out themselves. As soon as I do.

So I had that wellduh moment overnight, and then I turned on my computer this morning to find that Paula knew it all along, just like those fictional wise ones I've been talking about.

So you’re an ordinary guy, minding your own business, frolicking with your pipe weed or whatever, when suddenly somebody wiser and more powerful and taller and probably wearing a strange hat comes along and calls on you. This works out well, because that somebody, being more powerful and wiser and taller, is useful for all sorts of things. Well, unless he’s the turtle. The turtle can’t help. But anyone else, your Aslan or your Dumbledore or your Greek Gods, can always be counted on to bestow some special power, some answers, or at least a weird robotic owl.

Except if you’re in one of my books, in which case you’re screwed. My kids are going up against villains they can't hope to beat on their own, yet on their own they are. There's no bearded one to hand out advice and weapons and orchestrate the victory. This is a bummer for them, and a quandary for me, because I don’t like tragic heroes, I like conquering heroes.

Jennifer (can’t link, no profile) very helpfully commented on an earlier post about ordinary guys beating more powerful villains: “if the hero chickens out, he can't be anybody's instrument.” This is a good point. And for me it begged the question, supposing he can’t be anybody’s instrument either way? Supposing he’s alone?

Well, he’s got the hero part covered either way. That arc is almost always defined not by winning the fight but by showing up for it when it would be way easier to have a nice snack and go to bed instead. But it does make the conquering part a bit harder to achieve, doesn’t it?

The options here are to tone down the villains to make beating them more plausible, or to let the heroes lose. I don’t like either. I obviously need a mechanical animal of some sort. What would you think of a holographic rabid morning dove named Howard?

*Post title ripped off from Cinderella's Nobody's Fool, which, naturally, I have right here in my collection of hair ballads

Well. I never realized, slave to authority that I am, how bigbig a deal this whole SASE thing is. But as of this posting, Miss Snark has no less than 69 comments over two posts about the SASE rule, many of them telling her how wrong oh so wrong she is to insist they be included in submissions. So I started thinking, why, if Miss Snark could be wrong about this, what else could she be wrong about? And then I started thinking about that one episode of Seinfeld, where George becomes successful by doing the opposite of what his instinct tells him to do. And then I started thinking, hey, we should try that, except with Miss Snark.

So here are the new rules for successfully landing an agent. You don't have to thank me.

1. GETTING YOUR MANUSCRIPT READY: Agents receive hundreds or even thousands of pages of plain white paper every week. Print your manuscript on something that will stand out in a crowd. Keep in mind that most agents are women, so unicorns and cute kitties are always welcome! Oh, and you don't have to concern yourself with insider, industry terms like "serif" and "sans serif" at this point. Pick whichever font you think is prettiest.

2. WRITING YOUR QUERY LETTER: First, begin the letter with "Dear Agent." They don't need to be reminded of their name, but they do need to be reminded that they are the agent and you are the writer, and therefore they work for you. Always include publishing credits in your letter, even if they are minor, or fake. Bear in mind that your mother's refrigerator and your blog are legitimate venues for publication. Give the agent a sense of your style and a favorable impression of your skill by comparing yourself to Faulkner or Dickens or both.

3. WRITING YOUR SYNOPSIS: Your goal is to generate excitement about your book, so you don't want to tip your hand by revealing too much at this stage of the game. Don't give away the ending in your synopsis! If you close it with a cliffhanger, the agent is more likely to ask to see the book.

4. PUTTING TOGETHER THE PACKAGE: If you don't treat your work like it's special, why should an agent? Putting loose pages in a plain envelope and sending it via the USPS says you don't think your manuscript deserves special care or attention. You should first have it bound book-style, so the agent can visualize the finished product. Then pack it in an attractive box. Extras like tissue paper and confetti add the final bit of pizzazz. Send the manuscript using an overnight carrier, signature required, like the treasure it is. No need to include an SASE! Sure, it's only 40 cents and two extra minutes of work for you, but an SASE invites an impersonal response. If you don't make it easy to write, they'll call!

5. GOING THE EXTRA MILE: Send fudge! Fudge is always welcome and appreciated!

6. CONTACTING THE AGENT: Calling the agent's office before you query to let them know it's coming, after you query to let them know it's on its way, and once a week until you get an answer marks you as a real go-getter.

7. NETWORKING: Contacts in the industry are always valuable. Even if an agent rejects you, your interaction with them constitutes a relationship to be nurtured. Give them a call when you receive the rejection letter to discuss your work and why you were rejected. This shows that you're serious about improving. Then be sure to touch base occasionally to let them know how things are going for you. When you land another agent, be sure to share the good news!

"Where are you Jen?! You've been gone for a WEEK! "

Is that all? It seems like longer. This is preschool registration time, donchaknow. (I didn't until one of the more organized mommies I know said to me before Christmas, "You want to start her for next fall? You'd better get going!" Oh.) Instead of reading or writing I've been spending most of my time calling, emailing, and touring schools. I could blog about some of my encounters with hypercompetitive mommies, religious fanatics*, and throwbacks to the spare-the-rod-spoil-the-child days, but most of what I would have to say would be meanmean, so, you know.

Thanks, Wigs, for checking in!

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*But note to Mary, I did meet some really nice Episcopalians, and also some Anglicans who were very nice about my thinking that was the same thing as Episcopalian.

Tagged by Paula.

1. Four jobs you've had in your life: tech support person, trainer, manager, writer

2. Four movies you could watch over and over: The Royal Tennenbaums, When Harry Met Sally, French Kiss, Pirates of the Caribbean

3. Four places you've lived: Buffalo, NY; Boston, MA; Washington, DC; Charlotte, NC

4. Four TV shows you love to watch: Moonlighting, Seinfeld, Friends, Carnivale

5. Four websites you visit daily: CNN, Google, HGTV dream home entry page at this time of year, Slate (like I'm really going to single out any bloggers over others)

6. Four of your favorite foods: sushi, spaghetti and meatballs, tacos, cake

7. Four places you'd rather be: Borders with a cup of chai in my hand, Evoo, picnicking on steak and kidney pie in the Lledr valley, Saint John

8. Four albums you can't live without: Squirrel Nut Zippers, Hot; Bobby Darin, That's All; Sting, Brand New Day; James Horner, soundtrack to Titanic

And speaking of meme's I went to do the Page 123 one Miss Snark posted, and do you know there wasn't a single book on my desk?