Nobody Here

I'm headed out of town without my laptop until early next week. Meanwhile, I hope you're all reading (entering?) Miss Snark's Be Miss Snark competition. I just about peed my pants when I read this one (it won't make sense unless you read the original letter).

*Buffalo reference ripped off from John Fogerty's "Rock and Roll Girls"

Tagged by Paula.

[Pick a band and answer the following questions only with titles of their songs.]

1. Are you male or female? La Belle Dame Sans Regrets

2. Describe yourself: Dream Of The Blue Turtles

3. How do some people feel about you? Conversation With A Dog

4. How do you feel about yourself? Freak The Mighty

5. Describe your ex boyfriend/girlfriend: Consider Me Gone

6. Describe your current significant other: If I Ever Lose My Faith In You

7. Describe where you want to be: Take Me To The Sunshine

8. Describe how you live: Let Your Soul Be Your Pilot

9. Describe how you love: Be Still My Beating Heart

10. What would you ask for if you had just one wish? The Book Of My Life

11. Share a few words of wisdom: Don't Stand So Close to Me

12. Now say goodbye: Brand New Day

We're doing song lyrics this week, didn't you get the memo?

Disclaimers: I am not claiming these are my most favoritist lyrics ever. They're just bits I like. In no particular order. They aren't necessarily my favorite songs either. They're just bits I like. That's all I'm saying. Ok? Okay.

1. From “Camelot (Reprise)” as sung by Richard Burton:
Let it never be forgot
That once there was a spot
For one brief shining moment
That was known as Camelot

2. From Hole's "Doll Parts":
I want to be the girl with the most cake

3. From The Goo Goo Dolls' "Iris":
And I’d give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be
And I don’t want to go home right now

4. From Paul Simon's "Diamonds":
He’s a poor boy
Empty as a pocket
Empty as a pocket with nothing to lose

5. And speaking of which, from Simon and Garfunkel's "The Boxer":
And he carries the reminders
Of every glove that laid him down or cut him
Til he cried out in his anger and his shame
I am leaving, I am leaving, but the fighter still remains

6. From Five for Fighting's "Superman":
I’m only a man in a silly red sheet

7. Yes it's cheesy but I cry every freaking time. From Kenny Loggins' "Return to Pooh Corner":
After all's said and done I was watching my son
Sleeping there with my bear by his side
So I tucked him in, I kissed him and as I was going
I swear that old bear whispered boy, welcome home

8. From Beck's "Loser":
Get crazy with the cheese whiz

9. From Shawn Colvin's "Sunny Came Home":
It's time for a few small repairs she said
Sunny came home with a vengeance

10. From Tom Petty's "Into the Great Wide Open":
He went to Hollywood, got a tattoo
He met a girl out there with a tattoo too
The future was wide open

11. From Rod Stewart's "You're In My Soul":
You'll be my breath should I grow old

12. This one's long but I have some one-liners so cut me some slack. From The Squirrel Nut Zippers' "Blue Angel":
Your mama's going to take it hard
You always were your mama's boy
You're lying in the graveyard
Now you’re not your mama's joy
Streetlights come streaming
I’ll bat an eye and cast my spell
Devils are dreaming
Dreaming of a blue angel

13. From Harvey Danger's "Flagpole Sitta":
Put me in the hospital for nerves
And then they had to commit me
You told them all I was crazy
They cut off my legs now I'm an amputee, goddamn you

Things I am so over peeps arguing about on writing/publishing blogs: rejection in general, form rejections in particular, and that ridiculous thing about the SASE.

Understand, I am not coming out against whining that's just venting. Wah, I got a rejection today, throw me some pity, peeps. That kind of thing. Because I can whine with the best of them, and what better place than among others who get it (provided of course you aren't, as Anna Louise Genoese says, being stupid in public).

What's bugging me is the specific brand of whining that insists something be done about it, that this particular business is crueler than most and the rules must therefore change. And not because I'm a color-inside-the-lines genuflecting sheep either. It bugs me because most trying-to-get-published peeps have or have had day jobs, right? So they know, to at least some degree, at least one other business besides writing, right? Or if not, they've at least got a phone, probably, right? Which means they've experienced at least one call from a telemarketer, right?

When you get a call from a salesman at work, and you aren't interested, do you take the time to provide a careful, constructive critique of why you aren't buying the product and how he might improve his pitch? Or do you just say "no thanks" and move on? Are you always super polite and kind and perky and helpful? Do you sometimes not call him back at all? What if he didn't make it easy for you to get back to him? You'd just toss his crap aside and get on with your work, which involves those activities that actually make you money, wouldn't you?

Toss his crap aside? you say. How dare you use the word crap! This isn't a widget! It's my baby. It's my beautiful unique special snowflake. It's art!

Try again. It was art (maybe) while you were writing it. The second you put a query in a mailbox, what you've got there, my friend, is a product. And like it or not, you're the cold caller.

Now, I already hear you saying no, this is different, because it's part of that agent/editor's job to look for new stuff. Sure. New stuff, yes. Your stuff, no.

Just because a bazillion consumers are thirsty and actively looking for a drink doesn't mean they're obligated to pay attention to a can of Squirt. Especially if they like iced tea and they know where to look for iced tea and iced tea is less risky because it's quenched their thirst before. They're not going to try to help the can of Squirt improve, give it a little talk about how it might be in its best interests to try to be more like iced tea. They're going take the drink they want and move on.

People are busy. And when you're trying to sell them something, they aren't going to treat you like a friend or the person sitting next to them at a dinner party or whatever. Selling is hard, wear a helmet.

Ever sent out promotional mailings or done cold calling? Do you realize there's like a 1% success rate with such things? Okay, hopefully you've done a good job with your research and you're targeting your audience better, so your success rate will be higher. A little.

But mostly you're going to get rejections. And the person rejecting you, here's the thing, and there's really no getting around it: They. Owe. You. Nothing. You. Are. Bugging. Them.

Okay? Okay. End of whine about whining.

*Post title ripped off from Dr. Seuss' The Lorax

Yeah, I know I said no posts, but delayed flights, napping kids, etc.

So. I got a little whiny with my writers group today. Hard to believe, I know! I was debating whether I was wasting time (theirs and mine) with this book I'm working on, and whether I should continue. It's not just that the manuscript is rough, because given enough tinkering you can always fix rough. It's not just that my characters have no personalities, because I've never been one of those people who can build a story around a character vs. the other way around, and my poor people rarely develop personalities until the later drafts. I know, I'm working on it. Anyway.

The big problem is that this book is an amalgam of stuff that's been done before. And I mean done a lot. I'm still working, but at the end of the day it may never qualify as fresh and original.

I'm not an artist. I'm not writing for myself. I'm project-oriented and when I finish a thing, I submit it. It would never occur to me to spend the better part of a year working on something I didn't think I could at least try to (sell) find an audience for. I think that's just a freelancer thing.

But I'm suddenly finding myself okay with the idea of finishing this and having no place for it to go. It's a huge challenge and that alone is worthwhile; when you've still got a lot to learn no effort is wasted. Maybe in the end it will be marketable as the story it is. Maybe it won't, but there'll be a kernel in there I can build on. Maybe I'll just tuck it under the bed. Maybe I'll work on it for the next ten years between other projects. Maybe I can use it to torture prisoners. Shut up, it's not your business why I'm taking prisoners. Anyway it's kind of liberating not to worry about all that, and focus only on improving it as much as possible.

Do you aim to publish/sell/win a contest with/find an audience for everything you write?

No posts til next week, but I didn't want that cranky Thursday Thirteen to be on top for that long, so instead I leave you with the immortal words of Deee-Lite:

"We're going to dance. We're going to dance. We're going to dance, and have some fun."

Happy week, happy Passover, happy weekend, happy Easter, happy whatever, unless you don't want to be happy, in which case, happy crabbiness.

*Post title and quote from Deee-Lite's Groove Is In The Heart

1. Don't call me when you know it's my kid's nap time. I know you think that's the best time to call, but I'm a selfish kind of girl, and I really don't want to spend my tiny break talking to you. Sorry.

2. If you do call me, and I say I have to go, don't say "Yeah" and then tell me three more stories. Hang up. Look, this stuff isn't personal okay? I just hate the phone.

3. Don't call me at all if you want money for any reason. If I want to give you money, I'll call you.

4. Don't let your outdoor cat crap in my yard. What, cat owners are exempt from being responsible for their pets? Just because it's not a dog, it's got clean, shiny, germ-free poop? You think the itty bitty layer of dirt and leaves over the top makes it any less gross if my kid falls in it in her own freaking yard? Are you going to clean that up? No? Then keep your cat the hell off my property. I don't give a rat's ass how you do it. That's your problem. You chose to have the outdoor cat, see?

5. Don't let your kid throw food all over the restaurant, and then not clean it up. Here's a hint: "be responsible for your own messes" = good lesson for kids; "let someone else take care of the trail of crap you leave in your wake" = bad lesson for kids. Consider it a teaching moment, get off your ass, and pick up the freaking Cheerios. Yes, it is your job.

6. Don't ring my doorbell unless you were specifically invited, or you are a kid selling something for a fundraiser. Ever.

7. Don't get into the twelve items or less aisle with twenty items. And no, seventeen cans of Fancy Feast do not count as one thing. I'm willing to give leeway up to fourteen. After that, you're an asshole.

8. Don't touch pregnant women without their permission. I don't care how cute you think they look. Do. Not. Touch. Them. (No, I am not pregnant, but this one will probably stick with me forever).

9. Don't give me advice on how you think my child should be dressed, or how her hair should be cut (grandparents exempt).

10. Don't give me dirty looks because you saw my child eating a cookie at noon, and don't snidely ask whether that's her lunch. I assure you, at eleven she had organic crackers, organic cheese, organic carrots, organic yogurt, and organic fruit. Not that it's any of your business. Now piss off and let the poor kid eat her cookie in peace, she's got a hard life.

11. Don't be rude to the waiter.

12. Don't sit at the intersection with your music loud enough for me to hear it. Unless it's good. Or if you're doing one of those car dances and singing along, that's okay too, because I think that's funny.

13. Don't be late. Anything more than twelve minutes is late.

I was asking Jamie this in the comments, but I'm curious for any writer peeps out there. How many drafts do you write? Of real stuff, not blog posts. Yes, fine, if your blog posts are real stuff, you can count those too. Is it the same every time? How closely does your first draft resemble the finished product?

Or do you not do drafts? Are you one of those peeps who writes at a painstakingly slow pace, getting each word right (or just about) the first time, and doing only minor tweaking later?

For fiction I usually write about five drafts. I just can't write well right out of the gate (this will not shock anyone who's read this blog). It's like cooking really. First there's the big mess. Then it starts to take on a recognizable form. Then it all comes together, you season it just right. Then you plate it so it looks good. Or else somewhere around the "all comes together" part, you burn the crap out of it, set off the fire alarm, throw it away, and eat out.

And speaking of cooking, devil's food cupcakes frosted with whoopie pie filling. Peeps who like whoopie pies have GOT to try this. 6 tablespoons each margarine (Smart Balance recommended) and Crisco (yeah, I know, but if you've ever eaten a whoopie pie, you've eaten a buttload of Crisco, sorry). A scant cup of powdered sugar. A teaspoon of vanilla (Tahitian recommended). A cup of Marshmallow Fluff. A tablespoon of milk. Mixed in that order. Chill it or it's too thin. If you still don't like the consistency, add more powdered sugar until you do. Pile it onto some devil's food cupcakes. Duncan Hines will do, you don't need to go getting fancy with whoopie pie rip-offs.