Nobody Here

Today's peeve, said Jen with a sigh, is adverbs and adverbial phrases in dialogue attributions. Oh, I know they're awful, she added hurriedly, and I'm trying to get rid of all of them. But one of Character X's defining quirks is that she speaks softly, and that is very hard to convey without ever once saying "she said softly." Of course it doesn't need to be mentioned every time she talks, but the reader does need a reminder occasionally, especially when the moment calls for her to be particularly quiet. I can get the message across in show-not-tell style by showing others' reactions - leaning forward to hear her, or asking her to repeat herself, for example - saying in ten words what could be accomplished with one simple and efficient, if evil, adverb. But after a very short while that becomes just as jarring and awkward as the adverb was. So one or two of those Swifties are just going to be stuck there, she said tactfully.

*Post title a favorite Swiftie of mine. What's your fave?

1. Frolicking
2. Relaxing
3. Reclining
4. Lounging
5. Applying sunscreen to self
6. Applying sunscreen to child
7. Nagging husband to apply sunscreen
8. Eating
9. Drinking
10. Being merry
11. Reading
12. Not writing
13. Not blogging

Blame Paula.

GRUB-OLOGY
What is your salad dressing of choice? Caesar.
What is your favorite fast food restaurant? Chick-Fil-A
What is your favorite sit down restaurant? Evoo in Cambridge, MA. For just regular hit it on the weekend restaurants, Cantina 1511.
On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant? 20%
What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of? Spaghetti and meatballs
Name three foods you detest above all others? Detest is such a strong word. Hang on, I'm thinking. Still thinking. Um. Oh! I don't like scallops. Or licorice. Is tequila a food?
What is your favorite dish to order in a Chinese restaurant? Shrimp with lobster sauce
What are your pizza toppings of choice? Sausage and tomatoes. Sausage and tomatoes on a Domino's thin crust is, like, heaven on a cracker.
What do you like to put on your toast? Smart Balance
What is your favorite type of gum? Don't really chew gum

TECH-OLOGY
Number of contacts in your cell phone? Hee. Well, I think it's seven, but 3 of those are different numbers for my husband. Yeah okay shut up. I do too have friends. I don't use the cell phone much.
Number of contacts in your email address book? Outlook Express says 154, but most of those are probably business contacts I don 't use anymore or multiple addresses for the same people or people I don't contact much if ever.
What is your wallpaper on your computer? Um, Ravenclaw. Shut up.
What is your screensaver on your computer? Pics of my kid and my dog
Are there naked pictures saved on your computer? No
How many land line phones do you have in your house? 3
How many televisions are in your house? 3
What kitchen appliance do you use the least? Ice cream maker
What is the format of the radio station you listen to the most? Classic rock, but I don't listen to the radio much.
How many sex toys do you own that require batteries? None

BI-OLOGY
What do you consider to be your best physical attribute? None. I hate this question when the stupid makeup attacking sales terriers in the department store ask it to try to sell you mascara, too.
Are you right handed or left handed? Right
Do you like your smile? Hate hate hate it
Have you ever had anything removed from your body? Mole. Baby.
Would you like to? About an inch of nose, and I guess if any other moles change.
Do you prefer to read when you go to the bathroom? Ewwww. Isn't this a boy thing?
Which of your five senses do you think is keenest? Sight
When was the last time you had a cavity? Uh, I dunno. I have a lot of fillings though.
What is the heaviest item you lift regularly? My kid, roughly 30 pounds
Have you ever been knocked unconscious? Yes

MISC-OLOGY
If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? No
If you could change your first name, what would you change it to? Cordelia. Ten points to anyone who gets the reference. Shut up, I don't know what kind of points.
How do you express your artistic side? Writing fiction
What color do you think you look best in? Black
How long do you think you could last in a medium security prison? About five minutes
Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake? Sure. Who hasn't swallowed a bug while hiking?
If we weren't bound by society's conventions, do you have a relative you would make a pass at? No. Ew. Who came up with these questions? Cause if you made up this whole meme as an elaborate scheme to test whether this is normal, let me stop you right now and say, your health insurance website can probably refer you to a therapist.
How often do you go to church? I don't
Have you ever saved someone's life? No, not unless that one kid whose permission slip I forged in the eleventh grade wasn't just exaggerating for effect.
Has someone ever saved yours? Not to my knowledge

DARE-OLOGY
For this last section, if you would do it for less or more money, indicate how much.
Would you walk naked for a half mile down a public street for $100,000? Mmmm. Maybe. But only if nobody I knew personally was watching and there would be no photographs. Definitely for more under same conditions.
Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100? No
Would you have sex with a member of the same sex for $10,000? No. I wouldn't do either with the opposite sex for any money either though. I don't cheat.
Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000? No
Would you never blog again for $50,000? Maybe. Definitely for more.
Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000? No
Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000? No. I'd do it for more. Look, I'm pretty greedy.
Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000? No
Would you shave your head and get your entire body waxed for $5,000? Sure. My hair grows fast.
Would you give up watching television for a year for $25,000? Sure.

I started leaving comments over at Roy's that were longer than a Stephen King novella, so I decided I'd better just stop hijacking his blog and do a Thursday thirteen on the subject. Then I'll stop ranting. No really. No, REALLY. Well, for now.

Thirteen reasons you should keep your cats indoors:

1. Your vet officially says so.
2. The Humane Society too.
3. Also the Audubon Society.
4. Your cat is not as car savvy as you think he is. Nor as racoon/dog/coyote/etc. savvy.
5. And he's definitely not budding-psychotic neighborhood boy who likes to capture and torture cats savvy.
6. Antifreeze and other chemicals are everywhere; people spill them, they pour them down drains or just on the ground (they shouldn't, but they do, cause they're dumb). These things taste sweet and yummy to cats, and then they kill them. I'm not making this up. Look it up.
7. Your cat's "harmless" hunting is messing with the ecosystem. He's killing birds and mice. He's taking prey away from hawks and owls and other animals that can't just go home for a can of Fancy Feast.
8. Disease. Worms. Rabies. Heartworm. Avian freaking flu.
9. From the AMVA (that's your vet again): "The life expectancy of an outdoor cat is two to five years, whereas indoor cats may survive for 17 or more years."
10. Your cat is crapping in my yard.
11. Yes, he is.
12. No, he isn't covering it.
13. Your cat is wandering into my yard at 2 AM and getting the dogs barking and waking everyone up. You figure, my dogs, my problem? Yeah? Well, I figure, my property, my bb gun. Okay?

I've never been to the Empire State Building. I need to know what the observation deck looks like. Google Images is of course very obliging. But none of these peeps are taking pictures of the floor. I need to know what the floor looks like. What's it made of? Concrete? Bricks? Sunshine, clouds, and rainbows? Anyone, Anyone? Bueller?

1. If you don't think Monty Python is funny, you aren't funny.
2. The Three Stooges are not funny. If you are a boy, you will not understand this.
3. The word poop is always funny. The object poop is never funny. That's right, Mr. Hankie, I'm talking to you.
4. Swingers is just not as funny as you think it is.
5. The Royal Tenenbaums is even more funny than you think it is.
6. Jasper Fforde is the funniest writer writing right now. Of books, I mean. Of course I think your blog is funny.
7. Chuck Palahniuk is also very funny. Also his name is funny.
8. Mr. and Mrs. Bennett are the funniest couple in literary history. And kind of the saddest.
9. Abbott and Costello are funny. Laurel and Hardy are not.
10. I don't care what your politics are, Jon Stewart is funny.
11. Practical jokes are almost never funny.
12. The word funny is starting to look kind of funny.
13. Good night, Gracie.